* This article is for faith believers who might be struggling with how to support friends or family who have left, or are questioning organized religion. There is so much value in understanding someone else’s experience, especially if it helps strengthen your connection with them. As you read, you may feel charged emotions come up. I encourage you to sit with those feelings and let them tell you about your experience – without allowing them to define someone else’s. Please trust that this is written with love and empathy.

Faith is deeply personal. It shapes our values, our community, and often, our identity. So when a family member or close friends begin questioning or leaving the religion you hold dear, it can feel unsettling, even painful. You may experience a mix of emotions—grief, fear, confusion, and even anger. It’s natural to struggle with these feelings, but understanding why deconstruction is so personal can help you navigate this situation with empathy and grace.

Why Deconstruction Feels So Personal

For many believers, religion is more than a set of beliefs—it’s a core part of their identity. When someone close to us begins deconstructing their faith, it can feel like they are rejecting not only the religion but also us. This sense of personal rejection can lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt, or even fear for their well-being. Recognizing that these emotions stem from our deep identification with religion can help us take a step back and process the situation more objectively.

It’s important to remember that faith transitions are not about you. They are about the person navigating their journey. Their decision to question or leave is not an attack on your beliefs, nor is it a sign that they no longer love or respect you. Often, individuals going through religious deconstruction are struggling with their own fears, losses, and uncertainties. By shifting perspective, even a little, you can move from a place of feeling hurt or fear, to one of understanding and support.

How to Support Without Judgment

1. Listen with Curiosity, Not Fear. Instead of reacting with alarm or trying to bring them back to faith, listen to their experiences. Ask open-ended questions like, “What led you to start questioning?” or “How are you feeling about this transition?” You may have decided you don’t want to know, or that it’s not important for you to know. While this might make sense to you, it also may send the unintentional message that you don’t care or that you only value your experience and perspective. Being curious can build trust and allowing them space to share without judgment can strengthen your relationship and help you understand where they are. It can often feel almost enlightening to hear a different point of view and listening fosters respect and confidence.
   
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings. Many who deconstruct feel isolated, misunderstood, and even afraid of losing relationships. You don’t have to agree with their views to validate their emotions, or see eye to eye to provide peaceful assurances. Avoid using your beliefs to create connection or be convincing. For instance, you may believe that their eternal salvation is at risk, but because that is no longer their belief, using it as a premise for persuasion won’t land well. Instead, saying things like, “That sounds really difficult” or “I can see why this has been a challenging journey for you” can help build a better foundation.
   
3. Avoid Trying to ‘Fix’ Them. It’s tempting to try to guide them back to faith, but can make them feel unheard and dismissed. Trust that their journey is their own and that they are seeking truth in a way that is meaningful to them. Instead of debating, focus on being a safe person they can talk to without fear of being corrected or shamed. I can’t emphasize enough that this is about trust. When someone leaves religion, trust in a whole value system has deteriorated. People start to question because confidence in the religion, and their world, is undeniably shaken. Be mindful that your response to their experience doesn’t also weaken confidence in your relationship with them.
   
4. Examine Your Own Reactions. If you find yourself feeling deeply offended or personally hurt, take a moment to reflect. Are you identifying so strongly with your faith that their questioning feels like an attack on you? Do their passionate posts on social media criticizing religion feel personal even though they aren’t directed at you? Are you afraid of what their journey might mean for your own beliefs? Recognizing these reactions can help you respond with more love and less defensiveness. The way other people make choices for their life is about them and their journey. Taking those choices personally or being offended hits at the heart of how we can identify with something so much that we lose sight of who people are in favor of protecting that identity.
   
5. Make Note of Any Sense of Urgency. There are appropriate times to have difficult conversations. This may not be one of those. Urgency comes from fear, good or bad. Constantly insisting they talk with you about it could push loved ones away and undermine efforts to stay close. Notice when and why you feel that you have to keep talking to them, restating what they probably already know about how you believe. Take ownership of your fears and ask yourself what you can do to manage them without asking the other person to solve it by choosing differently. An unhealed nervous system, chronic stress, or consistently living with fear (especially about what others might think of you) can impact relationships negatively if they drive the need for resolution.
   
6. Support vs Influence. It can often feel threatening when loved ones, especially family, go to others for support. Someone close to you might be talking with friends or family who have unraveled their own religious experience. This is largely to understand how to navigate and process the path they’re on. If this feels threatening to you, it might be tempting to hold someone else responsible for your loved one’s choices and believing that they are being unduly influenced. Step back. Remember that you are still a believer and haven’t experienced where they are. You cannot know what that experience is like so it’s impossible to meet them in that place. Find gratitude for outside support systems that may offer perspectives you can’t and who have space to listen in a way that you may not be able to. Unless those systems are actively discouraging contact with you, being deceptive or dishonest, or creating harmful division, be glad your loved one has someone they can talk with who has a clearer understanding of that part of their journey.
   
7. Maintain Your Relationship. One of the greatest fears of those leaving religion is losing the people they love. Reassure them that your relationship is not conditional on shared beliefs. Show them that your bond goes beyond faith by spending time together, engaging in non-religious discussions, and finding new hobbies or activities to enjoy together. Meaningful connections are built on mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and the understanding that every individual—regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs—has inherent worth.

Finding Peace in the Process

It’s okay to grieve changes in your relationship, but it’s also important to trust that love transcends belief systems. By choosing compassion over conflict, you create an environment where both of you can grow—whether that means staying in your faith or exploring new perspectives. Supporting someone through deconstruction doesn’t mean giving up your beliefs; it means choosing connection over division.

At the end of the day, love, respect, and understanding are what truly define relationships—not uniformity of belief. Faith may change, but your ability to be there for one another can remain solid and unwavering.